Supporting a grieving young person

How do you support a young person through grief and loss?

Supporting a grieving young person can feel difficult, especially when you’re grieving, too. You don’t need perfect words or a way to “fix” their grief. Approach concerns with curiosity and care, not accusations. Ask how your young person is coping, listen without judgment, and thank them for being honest. Keep the conversation open and offer to help them connect with a counselor or healthcare provider.

These tips offer ways to stay connected and respect their pace while caring for yourself along the way.

  • Answer questions honestly. Let your teen’s questions help guide the conversation.

  • A young person may need to express anger, confusion, or sadness without being encouraged to look on the bright side. Try: “I’m glad you told me. What has been hardest today?” Avoid assuming that you know how they feel, even when you’re grieving the same person.

  • Some young people talk openly, others connect through an activity or a text message, and some need space to process their feelings. Offer choices about memorial activities and how they want support. Not crying, wanting to spend time with friends, or choosing to listen to music on their own doesn’t tell you how much someone is grieving.

  • Familiar routines can provide stability, but expectations may need to change. Involve your teen in deciding what teachers, coaches, or other supportive adults should know. Keep checking in as they grow and reach new milestones, including leaving home for college or work.

  • It’s okay for young people to see that you’re sad. Reassure them that you have adults you can turn to and that they don’t need to take care of your emotions. They may also benefit from a trusted adult outside the family who can listen.

  • You can ask, “Are you thinking about suicide?” Asking directly does not increase suicidal thoughts or behavior. Listen without judgment and help them connect with support.

  • Sometimes thoughts about how someone died bring frightening memories, nightmares, or a strong sense of danger. Even a happy memory may lead back to distressing thoughts about the death. When these reactions interfere with grieving and daily life, a young person may be experiencing traumatic grief.

    This can happen after a sudden death or an expected death, such as one from illness. A mental health professional trained in grief and trauma can help.

How do I know when to reach out for more support?

Signs it’s time to reach out

Consider contacting your teen’s healthcare provider or a mental health professional when you notice:

• Daily life becoming harder to manage. They’re regularly missing school, struggling to concentrate, or having trouble with everyday responsibilities.

• Increasing isolation. They’re pulling away from friends and family or losing interest in activities they usually enjoy.

• Significant changes in sleep or eating. They’re sleeping much more or less, struggling to eat regularly, or experiencing ongoing exhaustion.

• Overwhelming feelings. Intense guilt, anger, or anxiety is difficult to manage. Nightmares or unwanted memories of the death may make them avoid people, places, or activities.

• Substance use or unsafe coping. They’re using alcohol or other drugs to manage their feelings, using more often, or taking dangerous risks.

These changes don’t automatically mean your teen has a mental health disorder. They are reasons to check in and get guidance, especially when they persist, worsen, or interfere with daily life. A professional can help determine what support would be useful.

If your teen already receives care for depression, anxiety, substance use, or another mental health concern, let their provider know about the loss. Grief can bring back symptoms or make existing challenges harder to manage.

How to take the first step

Start with your teen’s pediatrician or family doctor. Share what you’ve noticed and ask about grief support or a referral to a counselor who works with teens. A school counselor can also help identify support and discuss adjustments to schoolwork or expectations. Whenever possible, involve your teen in deciding what information to share.

You might say:

“I’ve noticed that getting through the day has been really hard lately. You’re not in trouble, and you don’t have to handle this on your own. Let’s find someone who can help.”

If your teen isn’t ready to talk with you, offer them time to speak privately with their healthcare provider. You can still contact the provider yourself to share your concerns and ask for guidance.

When to get help right away

  • Seek immediate support if your teen says they want to die, feels they have no reason to live, is hurting themselves, or begins making preparations such as saying goodbye or giving away important belongings. Don’t dismiss these signs as attention-seeking or simply part of grief.

  • Call or text 988, the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, for guidance, including when you’re unsure how serious the situation is. Parents and caregivers can contact 988 about someone they’re worried about. 

    If your teen may act on suicidal thoughts, stay with them while getting help. Secure medications, firearms, and other dangerous items when you can do so safely. For immediate life-threatening situations, call 911 or take them to the local emergency department.

Find support in Sacramento County

Getting help isn’t a sign that you’ve failed your teen. It’s another way to show them they don’t have to face their grief alone.

Call Sacramento County Behavioral Health Services–Screening and Coordination at 916-875-1055, available 24/7, to ask about mental health or substance use services for your teen.

Parents and caregivers can call to request screening and learn about available options; eligibility for services varies by program.