Grief and coping with loss

What is grief?

Grief is a response to losing someone or something important to you. It can affect your emotions, your body, and how you get through the day. 

You might grieve the death of a family member, friend, or pet. You can also grieve a breakup, a move away from your community, changes in your health, or the loss of a goal that mattered to you. A loss doesn’t have to look significant to someone else to feel significant to you.

What can grief feel like?

Grief isn’t always crying. Sometimes it looks like getting irritated easily, feeling disconnected, or having trouble doing things that used to feel simple.

You may also feel relief, peace, or happiness at times. Different feelings can exist together. Having a good moment doesn’t cancel out your grief or mean you cared any less.

You might notice:

  • Sadness, anger, worry, guilt, numbness, or missing someone intensely.

  • Tiredness, headaches, stomachaches, or changes in sleep and appetite.

  • Trouble concentrating, pulling away from people, or struggling with school and other responsibilities.

Do I have to go through the “stages of grief”?

You may have heard about five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Some experts even argue there are two additional stages – shock and testing and/or reconstruction.

These are not steps you have to complete in a linear way, or at all!

You might recognize some of those experiences, but they don’t happen for everyone or in a set order.

Grief can change from day to day. It may feel quieter for a while, then stronger again around a birthday, a holiday, or a milestone like graduation. There’s no deadline for being “over it.” Getting support is about helping you live with the loss – not making you forget.

Some losses can be harder to explain:

  • You may begin grieving when someone you love has a serious illness, before they die. This is sometimes called anticipatory grief. Knowing a loss may happen doesn’t necessarily make it easier.

  • People may minimize the death of a pet, dismiss a breakup, or respond with judgment when someone dies from an overdose or suicide. Sometimes called disenfranchised grief, this is grief that doesn’t receive the understanding or support it deserves.

  • Losing someone can also mean losing familiar routines, financial security, or the person who helped you feel safe. These are called secondary losses. “Secondary” doesn’t mean less important.

  • A death at school, violence, or a disaster can affect many people at once. This is sometimes called collective grief. People sharing the same loss may still have very different reactions and needs.

What can help when you’re grieving?

You don’t need to try everything at once. Start with something that feels manageable, and notice what helps you.

  • A trusted adult, friend, counselor, or grief support group can offer connection. You don’t need a perfect explanation, and you don’t have to share every detail.

    You could start with:

    “I’ve been having a hard time. Could we hang out and chat for a little while?”

    Or:

    “I don’t feel like talking about it right now, but I don’t want to be alone.”

  • Try to eat regularly, drink water, and keep a familiar sleep routine. Gentle movement, like stretching or taking a walk, may help you care for your body while you’re dealing with a lot emotionally. Start small rather than turning self-care into another task you have to get right.

  • Talking isn’t the only way to express grief. You might write, make art, listen to music, or spend time outside. Prayer or spiritual practices may feel supportive for some people. You don’t have to express your feelings in a particular way.

  • You’re allowed to laugh, spend time with friends, or enjoy something while you’re grieving. Taking a break from painful feelings doesn’t mean you’re avoiding or disrespecting the person or forgetting what happened.

  • You might save photos, share stories, make a playlist, or continue a meaningful tradition. You can also choose not to do those things right now. Remembering someone is personal, and you don’t owe anyone a public tribute.

  • Pay attention to how you feel after scrolling. When posts or conversations leave you feeling worse, consider muting an account, temporarily muting a group chat, or taking a break. You get to choose how much you share about your loss.

  • Grief can make school or work harder. Consider asking a counselor, teacher, college support office, or supervisor about flexibility with deadlines or responsibilities. You can explain that you’re dealing with a loss without sharing everything that happened.

When substances become a way to cope

When you’re grieving, you may want a break from painful feelings or thoughts that won’t slow down. Alcohol, cannabis, tobacco, or other drugs might seem like a way to feel better or get through the day. Wanting relief is understandable – but relying on substances to manage emotional pain can create additional health problems and safety risks.

Why substances can make things harder

Any relief may be temporary. Alcohol can disrupt sleep and increase anxiety, especially after heavy drinking. Cannabis can sometimes cause anxiety, panic, or paranoia instead of the expected calm. These effects can add to what you’re already dealing with.

Over time, substance use can become difficult to control and interfere with school, work, or relationships. This doesn’t mean everyone who uses substances will develop an addiction, but changes in your use deserve attention and support.

Notice when you may need more support

Consider reaching out to a counselor or healthcare provider if you notice that you’re:

• Using more than you planned or finding it difficult to cut back

• Relying on substances to get through the day

• Needing more of a substance to get the same effect

• Continuing to use even when it’s affecting your health, relationships, or responsibilities

You don’t have to wait for a crisis or a substance use disorder diagnosis to ask for help.

Be honest with a healthcare provider about what you’re using and how often. This helps them understand your needs and recommend appropriate care. You can ask for help with both substance use and your mental health.

How can I support a grieving friend of loved one?

When someone you care about is grieving, you may worry about saying the wrong thing. You don’t need perfect words or figure out a way to make their pain disappear. Listening, staying connected, and offering support without pressure can make a difference.

  • Let them guide the conversation. They may want to talk about what happened, share a memory, or sit quietly with someone they trust. You don’t have to fill every silence or offer advice. Avoid comparing their loss with your own or pushing them to find a positive side.

    You might say:

    “I don’t know exactly what you’re feeling, but I care about you. Would you rather talk or just have some company?”

  • Grief can make everyday tasks feel overwhelming. Instead of saying, “Let me know if you need anything,” offer something manageable: bring a snack, share class notes, or help with a chore. Only offer what you can follow through on.

    Keep inviting them to spend time together, too. Watching a movie, playing a game, or taking a walk can offer connection without making every interaction about grief. Give them room to decline the invite.

    Try:

    “Would it help if we worked on our homework together? We don’t have to talk about anything else.”

  • Some people cry openly. Others seem quiet, angry, distracted, or even cheerful at times. You can’t tell how much someone is hurting just by looking at them. Let them have their feelings without expecting grief to look a certain way or follow a specific timeline. 

    Avoid phrases such as “You should be over this” or “They would want you to be happy.” Follow their lead on cultural or spiritual beliefs rather than assuming that what comforts you will comfort them.

  • When someone has died, it’s okay to use their name and offer to share a memory. Ask whether your friend would like to talk about the person or event, rather than pressing for details about the loss. Let them decide what feels comfortable.

    Be thoughtful online, too. Ask before sharing personal information or posting a tribute that includes your friend. Avoid spreading rumors or asking public questions about what happened.

  • You might save photos, share stories, make a playlist, or continue a meaningful tradition. You can also choose not to do those things right now. Remembering someone is personal, and you don’t owe anyone a public tribute.

  • Support often fades after the first few weeks, but grief doesn’t follow that schedule. Keep reaching out, including around birthdays, holidays, and milestones that may bring up difficult feelings. Don’t assume they no longer need support because time has passed.

    A simple message can leave the door open:

    “Thinking of you today. No pressure to reply, just wanted you to know I’m here.”

  • You can care deeply about someone without taking responsibility for managing their grief. Make room for your own feelings, especially when you’re grieving the same loss. Talk with someone you trust when you need support. Being a caring friend doesn’t mean taking on everything alone.

  • If grief is making daily life difficult to manage, or their substance use is increasing, encourage them to speak with a parent, teacher, counselor, healthcare provider. Offer to help them reach out rather than expecting them to figure out every step alone.

    If you’re worried about suicide, ask directly: “Are you thinking about suicide?” Asking does not increase suicidal thoughts or behavior.

    Take their answer seriously, involve a trusted adult or professional, and don’t promise to keep a safety concern secret. Call or text 988 for guidance—even when you’re calling about someone else. Call 911 for an immediate, life-threatening emergency.

When should I reach out for more help?

You can ask for support at any point. You don’t have to wait until things become unbearable.

Consider talking with a counselor or healthcare provider when grief is making daily life difficult to manage – especially when you’re becoming increasingly isolated, having major changes in sleep or eating, or using substances in ways that concern you. For some people, grief after a death remains intense and seriously disrupts daily life over time.

You don’t need to have the right words – or a plan for what comes next – to ask for support.

If you’re thinking about suicide or hurting yourself, reach out for immediate support. 

• Call 911 for an immediate, life-threatening emergency or go to a local emergency department. 

• Call or text 988, the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, or use the Lifeline’s online chat for free, confidential support at any time. You can reach out about grief, emotional distress, substance use, or concern for someone else.

• Contact Sacramento County Behavioral Health Services: Call 916-875-1055 to connect with the Behavioral Health Services-Screening and Coordination team. The county helps residents of all ages connect with mental health and substance use services. The phone line is available 24/7.